kosong

It's been awhile since that day and I think it almost one year. Time flies and thing changed. And certain thing may remain unchanged but certain feelings is not there anymore even how much you think you need to hold on. I cant call my 2018 as a year of sorrow where I spent almost my day and night bawling my eyes and crying out laugh because I dont even expect thing could be this way. But even how much thing had happened. there is always one thing that make me have firm believe in it that never for once Allah will give me something that I cant bare and going through it. To sum up my 2018, I learnt to accept that I have something that not everyone have. I learnt to accept the fate and going through the fact that I am now an intermedia beta thalassemia person. If that what make me strong, never for once I should sigh for everything that has been given. 2018 also is the year where I learnt to let go the love that I think I should hold on to anymore. And sometimes to see someone that we loved the most maybe the bestest thing should be happen even it wasnt about us and them. To love without owning because no one has put the rules that when we love someone so much, the other person have to love back. It was the hardest decision I ever made which to let go the love that that I have been holding on for almost 11 years because little did I knew that he deserve to be happy but I couldnt give him happiness that he want too and the least I can see that someone out there can make him happy. I dont know, we still talk but its really not in good way anymore and I'm glad because if the way he behaving right now because he trying to jaga hati someone he care the most, then it was a good thing afterall. I knew that I cant turn back times just to make me listen why should I talk to him like that when we part away. I know that I shouldnt too but if that was the only way to make him hate me even he always denied all the thing, I think that is the best. Afterall, the year of sorrow make my life a bit complicated where people walk in and walk out in my life just the way they want. One thing, one thing that should be remember even people hurt us during the times, we still doesnt have a ticket to hurt them back. I think no use to hurt someone back. Maybe people hurt us just because in their past times they always been hurted by someone that they care the most. Afteraall, with that I dont find any reason for me to live my life in duniya. The reason that I only surviving right now just because I need to graduate and takecare of someone and the rest is about here after. I have become so numb to what feelig was all about. I have reach the pint where I dont know what I want in love because to me love is not even important thing anymore to me. Even if one day, the fate let me to be in love again all I can asked is for that person to stay just for the sake of Him not me. I dont that its a curcial anymore to me to find what so called jodoh in this dunya because it just wasting my times. And to all the person that ever walk in in my life and treat me so unfair, Thankyou beacuse make me learnt in hard way that sometimes thing about love that was lend to us is actually pure but we us the human always make it as complicated thing, we lie , we cheat, we betray the purest form of fitrah that has been lend to us by Him. Stop please just stop it. Kalau kita tak mampu untuk menghalalkan rasa suci yang dipinjamkan untuk kita, tolong jangan menodai rasa dengan kekhilafan diri kita. I thin this is the time, The time has reach and I should stop on finding. Just wait, wait and make doa sabr and tawakal.